My Empire of Dirt

I don't really have any creative way to start this post and have honestly sat here for a while trying to come up with a clever way to begin. However, despite much avail, I have nothing, so what you're reading is what you get. Of course, looking back at what I just wrote I actually have invented a start to this post, but you still have no idea what I plan to write about so I'll just get into it.

A few days ago I met with a person (whom will remain anonymous) to discuss some issues we were having. Like any male human being I knew going into this discussion that I was right, they were jacked up and that I was gracing them by even meeting them to discuss this matter. They actually didn't want to meet at all, but I didn't want to discuss the situation over text. I still think that problem solving that way is asinine. I met with them and we began to discuss the problems at hand and the more I let them talk and share their point of view I began to realize just how much of a jerk I'd been. I'm talking absolute cretin. What I had subconsciously done to this person was horrid. I mentally destroyed them and didn't even know it.

As they began to bring back situation after situation I began to remember what had happened for real, and not just what I had stored in my memory. I had blocked stuff out without even realizing it. I had a marred perspective of the truth. I wasn't being manipulated into thinking that and I wasn't being convinced that I was just wrong, I really began to understand what had happened. Now, these problems were not all my fault, but it was much less of a 50/50 problem and more of a 90/10 problem. 

Something I've learned to do and am quite good at is turning off. I can completely shut down and disinvolve myself from any emotion that I feel. If I get upset about an ridiculous situation, I can choose to completely shut it out and forget about it. While this is a good trait to have, I've become so good at it that I completely shut people out of my life. If I've decided that I'm done with a conversation, I will shut the person out of it and forget it immediately. If I don't want to be somewhere anymore, no matter what the context, I will leave. I've been know to disappear from social gatherings numerous times. This is exactly what I did to this person on multiple occasions. I shut them out again and again and again and didn't even realize that I had done so. The worst part is I didn't even care that I had done so. In the past I would have brushed them off and shut them out again, but this time after I left I took some time to actually think about it. I concluded that I single handedly destroyed a friendship and scarred someone with zero remorse. I am Jack's twisted stomach.

Its only after realizing all of this that I see what a mistake I've made. I guess that's what generally happens though. The strange thing is that it took me this long to see. Six months. Why? Why did I have to destroy someone to realize that I was even doing it? I fully doubt that the person I'm referring to will ever read this post, and I honestly don't care if they do. This isn't a plea for their forgiveness or a understanding. This is me putting my thoughts on a page so I can come back and see and remember what I did. The never ending path of maturity is difficult and full of briars and snags. The only thing to do is bandage the wounds that I received and keep going. I someday hope I can rectify the whole thing, right now it looks grim, but as pessimistic as I usually am, I always have hope for people. I don't know why, but I do. 

So to the person whom I wronged. I am truly sorry.