Ahem. Dear Hollywood...
This is a cross post from my collaborative blog, Redunk.
Dear Hollywood,
As a massive fan of film I feel that it is my duty to write you this letter. While over many decades you have produced many, many great films, stories that have helped shape who I am in a very positive way, I must say there are a few things that need to be addressed. Here is a list (in no particular order) :
1.) Please drag Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer out into the nearest street and shoot them. The constant, almost quarterly barrage of crappy spoofs (Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, etc..) need to be dealt with. Violently. In fact, let Martin Scorsese write a screenplay about those two getting whacked by the mob, but use real bullets.
2.) Please stop creating movies based off video games. Just because the game is popular and has a great story, doesn't mean you can rewrite the entire thing and use nothing but the names of the characters to make it a blockbuster. In the history of all video game movies, all of them have sucked. Max Payne being the newest to this atrocity. Just. Stop. Doing. It.
3) If you plan to visually recreate a book and take it to the silver screen, here's a little secret... ready? THE SCREENPLAY IS ALREADY WRITTEN. Use it. I understand its inevitable that when a book is adopted to the screen some elements must change due to run time, budget and so on. I get it. But please, please, stick to the original story. There's no need to rewrite it. Like I mentioned in point two, it already has a good story. I am Legend was a slap in the face to Richard Matheson. Basically, they took the title and the name Robert Neville and recreated the festering bowl of vomit that is the new movie. Sorry, Will Smith, you're cool, but not cool enough.
4.) How many Highschool Musicals do we need? I'm sure there's more to come, once Disney finds a niche they usually run it so far into the ground that China has earthquake warnings. Look out for the Summer of 2018! Highschool Musical 8, the ten year class reunion. See how Zach Effron became a typical nobody after high school and still picks up on minors with his mullet, beer gut and '87 IROC-z.
5.) I think its great that the hollywood elites that are worth hundereds of millions of dollars want to give back a little and make thier voice heard and adopt 17 orphans because its fashionable, but since when did they become so god-like that the feel they have to right to control how the rest of the world should think and *cough, Sean Penn, cough* that they can rub everyones problems in their face... and then hire a photographer to photograph them "rescue people" post Katrina. *cough, Sean Penn, cough*... Ok, I'll give him some credit. He's a great actor.
6.) Lets be honest here, did we really need another Knight Rider? Or Bionic Woman? I mean, its great to update the classics for the new generation, but c'mon... a new Mustang for Kitt? Its pretty much an hour long Ford commercial. And, was it really necessecery to cancel the TV shows that were amazing simply because the network didn't think they would be popular enough/anymore? Like, oh say, Firefly and Arrested Developement? I'm going to go ahead and stop there. There's just too much... ok, one more. 90210? Seriously, you're doing a second round?! C'mon! No. Bad networks. Bad.
7.) Ok this one is more positive. Take some of the billions of dollars you make every year and find a way to clone Robert Downey Jr. and put him in every possible good movie that comes out. Seriously, you could have an entire cast of RDJ's in one movie and it would own because he's so diverse. I'd watch it. While your at it, we could use a few more Brad Pitts and Cillian Murphys... Maybe three or four younger Bruce Willis's for some good action movies. Oh, and few Helena Bonham-Carter's. Ok, admitingly that was a bit of a fantasy, but in a perfect world...
8.) One last request. Get a couple more people to read a screenplay before you spend hundereds of millions of dollars on a movie and recreate Waterworld or Dungeon Siege, or Gigli, or Heaven's Gate, or Cutthroat Island, or The Adventures of Pluto Nash, or Catwoman, or Daddy Day Camp, or, Swept Away, or, Thunderbirds, or, Battlefield Earth, or Starship Troopers, or Southland Tales, or Alexander, or Last Action Hero, or Cleopatra, or anything with Madonna in it...
That's about all I can think of right now. I hope you take into consideration my suggestions, especially number 1. And number 2, well and 3-8. But please, if you take care of number 1 maybe you could throw Tara Reid in there too? And Steven Segal and Lindsey Lohan and...
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