You ever have one of those moments of clarity where you stop and realize "I am a moron". This is usually followed by, "what the crap was I thinking?" Generally this is sometime after you've done something completely inane and ignorant. If your an alcoholic, its the next morning. If your sober, however, this generally comes much later. Not where someone calls out your ignorance, mind you, but when your walking along all dumb and happy and suddenly realize that you're a total idiot.
I bring this up because I seem to be having these moments quite regularly as of late. I think its Gods way of letting me find out I'm an idiot for myself instead of someone having to tell me. Thats always much worse. Its good to recognize your flaws, but it seems as if I'm beginning to find more flaws then usual.
A few days ago I led someone to believe a complete lie for my own pleasure. While hilarious to me at the time, it wasn't until last night that I though "Hmm, that was probably stupid". Luckily the person wasn't at all offended by my harassment, but it was the principle of it. Not that I was joking with someone, but moreover the fact that I told them a blatant lie for no reason other than a chuckle, and it was a dangerous lie too. One that could have produced trouble for me in the future.
I had another experience like this today when reality slapped me in the face like a 400lb woman with a rolling pin while I was whistling stupidly along to my car. I had been purposely ignoring someone, someone who's company I actually enjoy very much, because I subconsciously felt that they were doing the same to me. I had come to a pre-conceived conclusion on this whole matter and decided that I wasn't going to waste my time trying to communicate with them,
because surely they would see my lack of interaction with them and come running to me, tears streaming down their face and throw themselves at my righteous feet apologizing in between pathetic sobs.
Yes, I have a vivid imagination, and yes I can be a pompous lummox in my fantasies.
So I say that I'm feeling a bit subpar today because I realize my ignorance in all of this, (and more, that I wish not to mention), and its a little depressing, and a little embarrassing that I can be such an idiot. I'm actually laughing about this as I write it because its so stupid. Like my fine friend over to the left, I often do all of this unwittingly of how retarded I really must look. I was also caught dancing like a seizure victim today and probably looked just like this. Unlike Tom Cruise though, who by the way, really is insane, I need to continue having these moments of clarity so I can fix them and hopefully mature beyond them.
I know that maturity is a constant process, and I generally embrace any correction that comes my way, but its much different when you're the one doing the correcting. Its easier to put it off as just a thought, whereas when its brought to you by someone else you realize its obviousness and fix it right away. Its just a constant process that I must continue to be aware of.
There is though, those moments of clarity when you realize something ignorant that you've done and go into Tom Cruise style maniacal laughter at yourself because its so completely asinine and you must've looked utterly insane to any onlooker. I actually like those moments.
So, whenever any of this hits me, I analyze it, fix it, and throw back a Tom:
PS: Yes, I stole the title to one of my favorite songs, by the amazing hardcore sensation that is
Blessed By Falling. (I used to room with one of the guitarists/vocalists!)
